Well well.
I feel rather upbeat today. I wonder if I have some sort of bipolar disorder, but I only feel well when I tune out of reality and get the chance to reflect and understand myself, as opposed to attempting to merrily go along with the flow and pretending to be normal.
I often question why I am pursuing my disillusionary bar ambitions. Perhaps "pursuing" is a strong word. The thing that I really hate about myself in this regard, is my willingness to show myself as some sort of conformist to the keepers of the gate. I see all pupillage interview panels as consisting of really straight folk, the sort that want to discuss domestic politics and are probably heads of various serious committees. I see these people as very stout protectors of apparent "reality" and do not have any interest in understanding what they are, and what they are doing here. I have at one time tasted true liberation, but the way that I am currently pursuing my life is dragging me in the other direction.
I recently sent off another pupillage application. It really does induce vomit. The person on that form is not me at all. I really should write something a little more whacky, a little more in acoordance with the language in my soul. But I am not brave enough. My contradictory lifestyle has left my character frail and flimsy. I sometimes wonder after having walked into a room and had discussions with people...I sometimes wonder if they question whether they had a discussion with anybody at all. I have been an empty shell for too long.
...Part of the problem has been my unwillingess to deal with my own boredom. I have spent too much of my time watching shit on tv or using the internet. I think that these things really are dangerous to the human mind, and once you become dependant on them to overcome your loneliness, they can have a detrimental effect similar to drug addiction. Society will become more conformist and its children's attention spans will perish. Now that I have began to stop these ways,I already feel well. I am enjoying life again, and I am talking about nature, family, and love.
Perhaps I should quit my 9-5 sharade and go back to university? I would love to study again, I didn't really do it properly the first time. Studying for me was such a tortuous process because I was so disorganised and uninspired. I remember being so excited at the prospect of meeting interesting people, but being dissapointed thereafter at the realisation that I was surrounded by essex "Jack the lad" pretty boys, and vacant, shallow girls that fancied them. I listened in to a conversation about Jeremy Clarkson once, "Jeremy Clarkson talking about guns. He is so blokey...Cars and Guns..blokey blokey bloke" and the conversation drifted into 3 essex boys repeatedly saying "Blokey blokey blokey wahey bloke bloke bloke". Most people there wanted to be on radio, or present quirky tv shows like "MTV" and "T4" or "big brother". Happily, they are all working as either estate agents or telesalesmen, and engaged to fake blondes.
I am sure people will question me if I left everything (nothing) and went bac to university (a different uni- I have no longing for essex chat), but who is happy doing what they think they should do? I would love to have a beautiful wife and kids, and a nice house...but I am sure that many have had that same dream...only to wake up in some dull nightmare. Society encourages family, monogomy...well marriage, because people will mindlessly conform to get by once they are in that situation. Survival and security will overpower any urge o will to rebel or make changes. Society instills this image so deeply in the minds of its subjects... I believe it has been this way since the sixties. What happened to the world after the sixties? Things should be so different now, but it seems that the world has been recovering after the effects of a massive come down, clinging to anything that is certain and secure. The female species is obssessed with white dresses and "perfect weddings", "fashion" and careers. Men would chase careers and power as a method to attract women. As I stare at the destitute face of the "line manager" at my court job, I wonder if she really knows what she is chasing after. Sex? I could go into detail, but my mind is over saturated with media, and my attention span will not allow it.
I hate solicitors who take their jobs too seriously. My prison law job is strange. I enjoy it for no particular reason, but it almost doesn't seem real because it is completely independant. I have awoken to nightmares about it. I always know that there should be a lot that I should be doing, but it all seems to be an exercise in attempting to show that I acted expediently in telling these clients that they have no chance of appealing their convictions or sentences. I have a client who phones me constantly. He is essentially a drug baron, but he is one of those that did it for the lifestyle and now regrets it very much because he has a lengthy prison sentence. He down plays his role and proclaims his innocence, hoping to convince me as some fool that will listen to him. When I probe further into his claims, it is very clear that the evidence against him was very strong, and his explanations are pathetic. I have no moral issues though, my only objection to drugs is their failure to completely destroy the constructs of the society we live in. Any creativity or non-conformist idead that is created by drug indulgence is often short lived, and when reality kicks in, most people cling to it like their pathetic little lives depended upon it.
He really begs when I tell him that his case has no chance, forcing me to reel off mantras like "If you can't do the time...don't do the crime motherfucker". The reason that I do not feel any sympathy for him is that despite his pathetic helpless deperation, he has a very scary sinsiter edge that manifests itself from time to time. During my first visit with him, the first words he said to me "Get yourself a cup of tea lad" stick in my mind. I know that these words were not particularly significant in themselves, but it was like his weak persona slipped for a second, he was suddenly powerful and controlling, and I felt like one of his young associates, about to take instructions as to the details of the next drop off. I will write him a comprehensive letter decopnstructing his instructions, and explaining why he does not have strong grounds, which I will email to the secretary and more importantly, the partner- for him to exercise his supervisory duties which invariably consist of a non-reponse. I always state that the secretary only send the letters or advice out upon the supervisors approval of it, but I strongly suspect that she knows not to bother him...and sends it out straight away. Recently he sent me an email saying "please do not send me these emails anymore...just send them to the secretary". I like his style. He has about 8 secretaries, 7 of which have exactly the same first name, and the 8th's name is a slight variation. She really lacks any sign of IQ, and I wonder if she got the job because she typo'd her own name on the application form.
I will be running a looooong distance race tomorrow. I look forward to it soo much! This is essentially the only challenge that I have undertaken since the BVC. Normally I dread the possibility of failure in such challenges, unti the adrenaline kicks in and I become confident in my abilty and resourcefulness, despite my lack of preparation. I need to build in a lot of challenges before the close of this year. I wonder if everybody else gets this sense of being suicidal when I am not developing. Cutting out quick fixes will force me to confront myself and develop my character. I know I have a bckbone somewhere.
Stephen Hawking's documentary is on tv, I strangely find that roboty voice quite soothing.
Saturday 25 September 2010
Tuesday 31 August 2010
QLTT
Hmm is it frowned upon in blawging society to post twice in the same day? Well it should be. I thought that I would attempt to be topical in a post moderny sense.
I applied last week for the QLTT eligibility thing. I very much regret that decision. DO I really want to be a scumbag solicitor? I hate every solicitor that I have ever spoken to. Most are completely incompetent (ooh I hope that my identity never gets revealed). I am sure that most barristers privately share my views. The only reason that I did it was that it would be nice to have a title incase I don't make it as a barrister. Then I can be better positioned to apply for other jobs (i'm not sure what) because it is a title innit. However, a thought struck me today. I do have a title. Barrister. Hellooooo. I am sure it will be confusing to employers. Yes I believe we can call ourselves barristers on cv's for non legal jobs.
So I am thinking about cancelling my application. Has anybody else sent in their application? £400? plus £100 to renew my membership to the Bar Council. I am starting to think that this pursuit of a legal career is a massive pyramid scheme. Hidden charges att every corner (I know it was not exactly hidden, but I didn't think that the SRA would make this change so soon).
I applied last week for the QLTT eligibility thing. I very much regret that decision. DO I really want to be a scumbag solicitor? I hate every solicitor that I have ever spoken to. Most are completely incompetent (ooh I hope that my identity never gets revealed). I am sure that most barristers privately share my views. The only reason that I did it was that it would be nice to have a title incase I don't make it as a barrister. Then I can be better positioned to apply for other jobs (i'm not sure what) because it is a title innit. However, a thought struck me today. I do have a title. Barrister. Hellooooo. I am sure it will be confusing to employers. Yes I believe we can call ourselves barristers on cv's for non legal jobs.
So I am thinking about cancelling my application. Has anybody else sent in their application? £400? plus £100 to renew my membership to the Bar Council. I am starting to think that this pursuit of a legal career is a massive pyramid scheme. Hidden charges att every corner (I know it was not exactly hidden, but I didn't think that the SRA would make this change so soon).
Non specific downer
Oh hello job seekers,
what the funk do you mean "where have I been"? where the fuck you been muthafucker?
I feel dejected. We all have bad days right? However, for me, when things start to go well in my life...that is when I get the uncontrollable urge...to sef destruct. I have been going through this process for a long time, since my first year at university. I can't think why.
I'm not sure what I am doing anymore. I haven't been thinking about pupillage... at all. I'm not up for the interview thing. I don't really feel that I can relate to people enough to sit there with them for an hour and talk about myself. I not only hate talking about myself (although I note that I am blogging, but hey I'm trying something "crazy") but feel so disconnected recently. I have recently returned from the Fringe festival, and a comedian famously stated " I find it very hard to relate to people...it's not exactly autism...more like contempt."
I took the court job, and so am getting a full salary- which has eased the tension somewhat. However, I am doing the prison law on the side. The solicitors that I am working for are quite funny, in that the partner refuses to speak to me. I spoke ot one of his new secretaries recently. I asked to speak to him and I heard her say "he wants to speak to you" after which I heard a muffled "nooooooo tell him i'm not here". She told me that she would try his line, but alas he "wasn't in". I found this hilarious, but when she asked if I wanted to leave a message I just said "No, that is ok" in a very sad voice that indicated to her that I knew what was going on here. oooh yeah.
In brief- I absolutely love the prison law job, but the secretaries are not giving me my letters on time. I have clients interests that I am not looking after properly because the partner is not returning my calls or fulfilling the supervisory element. If I could force myself to get a good night's sleep, I might be motivated to get organised.
My court job sucks. I am not disciplined enough to go to sleep early, and so am normally lacking 3 hours sleep and just go about my day trying to look normal. I feel a deep emptiness inside that I try to fill with food and drugs. I realised that I have no real friends. Life is lonely, and feels pointless.
Am I a manic depressive? Anyway, I sure hope that I win a trophy for the "New Blogger of the Year" award.
what the funk do you mean "where have I been"? where the fuck you been muthafucker?
I feel dejected. We all have bad days right? However, for me, when things start to go well in my life...that is when I get the uncontrollable urge...to sef destruct. I have been going through this process for a long time, since my first year at university. I can't think why.
I'm not sure what I am doing anymore. I haven't been thinking about pupillage... at all. I'm not up for the interview thing. I don't really feel that I can relate to people enough to sit there with them for an hour and talk about myself. I not only hate talking about myself (although I note that I am blogging, but hey I'm trying something "crazy") but feel so disconnected recently. I have recently returned from the Fringe festival, and a comedian famously stated " I find it very hard to relate to people...it's not exactly autism...more like contempt."
I took the court job, and so am getting a full salary- which has eased the tension somewhat. However, I am doing the prison law on the side. The solicitors that I am working for are quite funny, in that the partner refuses to speak to me. I spoke ot one of his new secretaries recently. I asked to speak to him and I heard her say "he wants to speak to you" after which I heard a muffled "nooooooo tell him i'm not here". She told me that she would try his line, but alas he "wasn't in". I found this hilarious, but when she asked if I wanted to leave a message I just said "No, that is ok" in a very sad voice that indicated to her that I knew what was going on here. oooh yeah.
In brief- I absolutely love the prison law job, but the secretaries are not giving me my letters on time. I have clients interests that I am not looking after properly because the partner is not returning my calls or fulfilling the supervisory element. If I could force myself to get a good night's sleep, I might be motivated to get organised.
My court job sucks. I am not disciplined enough to go to sleep early, and so am normally lacking 3 hours sleep and just go about my day trying to look normal. I feel a deep emptiness inside that I try to fill with food and drugs. I realised that I have no real friends. Life is lonely, and feels pointless.
Am I a manic depressive? Anyway, I sure hope that I win a trophy for the "New Blogger of the Year" award.
Saturday 8 May 2010
Heaven Knows I'm miserable now
I wanted a job...I got 3 jobs...heaven knows I'm miserable now.
Well like most legal bloggers, I have taken a long unexplained break from blogging. It's late at night, I'm tired, but if you can deal with my inarticulate nonsense, I would welcome your advice dear reader, with a crisis. Allow me to explain how my situation came to be...
1) I decided against applying through the dreaded portal...then had a last minute change of heart and pulled an all nighter the night before the deadline. I managed to send off 5 applications before heading off to a surreal day at work. I cannot bear to look at the contents of my application, the thought of my "creative/ outside the box" attempts to answer the standard dull questions makes me nautious. I did not get a good chance to check the grammer and spelling either...oh ohhh spaghettti hoops.
2) I have been working in a really dossy job, which involves sitting in a court room, and doing nothing. The pay is bad and the lack of status and use of any cells in my brain has really affected my confidence. I had finished the BVC on a high last year and full of confidence and charm. It is remarkable how quickly one can ebb to rock bottom. I have been applying for jobs (mostly paralegal jobs through agency's- but without so much as a rejection letter). Further, any non olpas apps have resulted in pure rejection. No female attention either = lonliness. Self confidence sustained massive damage.
3) I had been hoping to get my old job back as a court clerk at a crown court. However, they messed me around, telling me I had the job and then that "they didn't have the budget" and then the old "we have to hire internally". I loved that job because of the status, public speaking, and because of the interaction with barristers and judges. However i knew it was a bit of a step back as I already have that on my cv, and need to make progress. Plus my doss job keeps messing me around, cancelling me at the last minute and taking my flexibility for granted. Things were getting bad...
4) Then one day I decided to take a long run on a sunny day. I came back to a message from a friend, essentially setting me up for an interview for a great legal job that involves conferencing with criminal clients, legal research etc. I happened to have a good showing during the first interview, and managed to pull off a dynamic performance during the advocacy exercise (I took a long run and had a lot of time to reflect on my life earlier that morning- it worked wonders and helped me to overcome my self esteem issues) I am self-employed and have to travel to various prisons for conferences with clients. I started last week- i loved it but the travel was a killer. I aced the conferencing on the BVC and put that all to good use. However I did spend nearly £300.00 on travel, leaving me broke. I am reclaiming my expenses but have no idea on how long it will take. Further, I make £60 per conference (£30 an hour- but its the travel that takes up my whole day), but can't get paid until the conclusion of the case. I got to speak to a barrister, and his face lit up when I told him that I had a potential client for him. It was nice to be spoken to so enthusiastically by a barrister again. This job will undoubtedly progress my cv, especially as it will involve advocacy in adjudication hearings as I progress during the upcoming months. My only gripe is that I took out a 20k loan for the BVC which I will have to start paying back in August. Will I be able to afford the repayments? A lot of uncertainty with this job, i.e. pay, frequency of the work etc.
5) The court clerks came back with a firm offer. they think that I am going to accept. It is only a 6 month contract but pays very well. It will be financial security for the next 6 months and I can pay back my debts. Ooh yeah I have credit cards and overdrafts that are also getting on top of me. Further, my doss job wants to pay me double what I have been getting, for doing an extra 3 hours a day. They say they need me. Arrrgh it would be nice to get that money but an extra 3 hours where I have to sit there like a vacant entity might be the final kick in the balls to my personality and esteem. I don't ind screwing these people over, but i could combine them with my new job and make a wage.
6) What do I do? take the security of the court cleking job? It doesn't progress my cv at all, but it will be the financially safe option and will take the pressure off. However, I can't let this new job go. Barristers are supposed to be go-getters that travel far and wide for little money. It will definitely enhance my cv, and I can always do my doss job a couple of times a week to make a living wage. My doss job currently pays £40 a court day. It will pay £80 a day, I can do 2 days, + 3 days at £60 a day in my new job = £340 a week. I guess that on the weekends I can do some A-Level tutoring in london? I can survive right? I have to tell the court clerks by early next week (they think i am desperate for them haha but I just don't want to screw them over). What do you think guys?
Thanks for reading this unecessarily long message. I would be grateful for your advice. Helllppp meeee :)
Well like most legal bloggers, I have taken a long unexplained break from blogging. It's late at night, I'm tired, but if you can deal with my inarticulate nonsense, I would welcome your advice dear reader, with a crisis. Allow me to explain how my situation came to be...
1) I decided against applying through the dreaded portal...then had a last minute change of heart and pulled an all nighter the night before the deadline. I managed to send off 5 applications before heading off to a surreal day at work. I cannot bear to look at the contents of my application, the thought of my "creative/ outside the box" attempts to answer the standard dull questions makes me nautious. I did not get a good chance to check the grammer and spelling either...oh ohhh spaghettti hoops.
2) I have been working in a really dossy job, which involves sitting in a court room, and doing nothing. The pay is bad and the lack of status and use of any cells in my brain has really affected my confidence. I had finished the BVC on a high last year and full of confidence and charm. It is remarkable how quickly one can ebb to rock bottom. I have been applying for jobs (mostly paralegal jobs through agency's- but without so much as a rejection letter). Further, any non olpas apps have resulted in pure rejection. No female attention either = lonliness. Self confidence sustained massive damage.
3) I had been hoping to get my old job back as a court clerk at a crown court. However, they messed me around, telling me I had the job and then that "they didn't have the budget" and then the old "we have to hire internally". I loved that job because of the status, public speaking, and because of the interaction with barristers and judges. However i knew it was a bit of a step back as I already have that on my cv, and need to make progress. Plus my doss job keeps messing me around, cancelling me at the last minute and taking my flexibility for granted. Things were getting bad...
4) Then one day I decided to take a long run on a sunny day. I came back to a message from a friend, essentially setting me up for an interview for a great legal job that involves conferencing with criminal clients, legal research etc. I happened to have a good showing during the first interview, and managed to pull off a dynamic performance during the advocacy exercise (I took a long run and had a lot of time to reflect on my life earlier that morning- it worked wonders and helped me to overcome my self esteem issues) I am self-employed and have to travel to various prisons for conferences with clients. I started last week- i loved it but the travel was a killer. I aced the conferencing on the BVC and put that all to good use. However I did spend nearly £300.00 on travel, leaving me broke. I am reclaiming my expenses but have no idea on how long it will take. Further, I make £60 per conference (£30 an hour- but its the travel that takes up my whole day), but can't get paid until the conclusion of the case. I got to speak to a barrister, and his face lit up when I told him that I had a potential client for him. It was nice to be spoken to so enthusiastically by a barrister again. This job will undoubtedly progress my cv, especially as it will involve advocacy in adjudication hearings as I progress during the upcoming months. My only gripe is that I took out a 20k loan for the BVC which I will have to start paying back in August. Will I be able to afford the repayments? A lot of uncertainty with this job, i.e. pay, frequency of the work etc.
5) The court clerks came back with a firm offer. they think that I am going to accept. It is only a 6 month contract but pays very well. It will be financial security for the next 6 months and I can pay back my debts. Ooh yeah I have credit cards and overdrafts that are also getting on top of me. Further, my doss job wants to pay me double what I have been getting, for doing an extra 3 hours a day. They say they need me. Arrrgh it would be nice to get that money but an extra 3 hours where I have to sit there like a vacant entity might be the final kick in the balls to my personality and esteem. I don't ind screwing these people over, but i could combine them with my new job and make a wage.
6) What do I do? take the security of the court cleking job? It doesn't progress my cv at all, but it will be the financially safe option and will take the pressure off. However, I can't let this new job go. Barristers are supposed to be go-getters that travel far and wide for little money. It will definitely enhance my cv, and I can always do my doss job a couple of times a week to make a living wage. My doss job currently pays £40 a court day. It will pay £80 a day, I can do 2 days, + 3 days at £60 a day in my new job = £340 a week. I guess that on the weekends I can do some A-Level tutoring in london? I can survive right? I have to tell the court clerks by early next week (they think i am desperate for them haha but I just don't want to screw them over). What do you think guys?
Thanks for reading this unecessarily long message. I would be grateful for your advice. Helllppp meeee :)
Thursday 25 March 2010
Observing objectivity
It was the final day of the trial. An unnervingly thin, tall black male sits in the witness stand. His mother sobs intermittently at the sight of seeing her 18 year old little boy standing there, alone, amongst men. Again. This time it wasn't shoplifting. It was far more serious. It was robbery. The crackling of the tape recorder makes a ...crackling noise. It is this boy's police interview tape, being played to the jury to clarify a disputed point. "Are you lying to me" asks the officer, probably an overwieght beardy bloke. I could tell that he was a fatty, I guess you can call it intuition. Or maybe I just saw him giving evidence earlier, but that doesn't matter. The interview concludes with the boy repeating his well thought out "likely story".
The jury are quiet. I notice a man with a distinguished moustache on the back row. He looks like some sort of colonel, and I don't mean the fried chicken variety. He sits there upright, with that solid Faulklands look in his eyes, "I've killed before, and I will kill again" I imagine him to be thinking right now. Oh yes, this bad boy has 'foreman' written all over his neatly moustached face. The prosecutor asks "Would the jury like me to play the tape again?". Silence. The Colonel straightens up his already upright posture, and with the authority of a Frenchman chopping an oinion, states "I think that I have heard enough!".
I got the distinct feeling that this old boy was thinking "this black thug is trying to get away with robbery, well he shall never fool me". I should say that the evidence consisted of a poor identification, circumstancial evidence ("I was robbed by a tall black guy"- Atticus Finch where are you?), the weapon wasn't found, no independant witnesses or cctv, and to put some glaze on the cherry, involved a flawed identification procedure. It is a frightening insight into what might go on in that deliberating room. Everybody comes in with different experiences and different prejudices I suppose. A young chavvy looking lady on the panel did ask to hear the tape again, in what looked like a show of solidarity for the young man. Hurrah for the ignorant, disengaged screenagers eh?
The jury are quiet. I notice a man with a distinguished moustache on the back row. He looks like some sort of colonel, and I don't mean the fried chicken variety. He sits there upright, with that solid Faulklands look in his eyes, "I've killed before, and I will kill again" I imagine him to be thinking right now. Oh yes, this bad boy has 'foreman' written all over his neatly moustached face. The prosecutor asks "Would the jury like me to play the tape again?". Silence. The Colonel straightens up his already upright posture, and with the authority of a Frenchman chopping an oinion, states "I think that I have heard enough!".
I got the distinct feeling that this old boy was thinking "this black thug is trying to get away with robbery, well he shall never fool me". I should say that the evidence consisted of a poor identification, circumstancial evidence ("I was robbed by a tall black guy"- Atticus Finch where are you?), the weapon wasn't found, no independant witnesses or cctv, and to put some glaze on the cherry, involved a flawed identification procedure. It is a frightening insight into what might go on in that deliberating room. Everybody comes in with different experiences and different prejudices I suppose. A young chavvy looking lady on the panel did ask to hear the tape again, in what looked like a show of solidarity for the young man. Hurrah for the ignorant, disengaged screenagers eh?
The Dawn of Penn
Alas! A noob blogger has arrived on the scene. Much like making love to a beautiful woman, it seems like a great idea in your head, but in the process you are overcome by the sobering realisation that it is not going to last. Much like when I'm making love to a woman, I always, always have a checklist to hand. Given that I do not have anything interesting to say at this juncture, I shall take you through this list accordingly:
1) Inform readers (the 's' is rather presumptuous I know) about the nature of this blog: "A story of Unrequainted love, between a young (Brad Pitt-esque) man with big dreams and a beautiful, elusive creature from a far away planet named 'Pupillage' (her name, not the planet) and the struggle between this dashing hero, and the girl's harsh, unforgiving father, 'Chambers', who does not think that our hero is good enough for his daughter, and whose sole purpose is to crush him and use his salty tears as wig gel." Basically, I'm looking for pupillage innit.
2) Think of a corny title: tick
3)cheesy opening: check
4) Add Caveats. ((1)This is definitely not based on fact. Or is it? (2) A lot of the posts will consist of nonsensical ramblings. (3) Please write your complaints on the back of a £50 note, send them to me, and I will endeavour to read them.
5) A little about your day (see next post)
1) Inform readers (the 's' is rather presumptuous I know) about the nature of this blog: "A story of Unrequainted love, between a young (Brad Pitt-esque) man with big dreams and a beautiful, elusive creature from a far away planet named 'Pupillage' (her name, not the planet) and the struggle between this dashing hero, and the girl's harsh, unforgiving father, 'Chambers', who does not think that our hero is good enough for his daughter, and whose sole purpose is to crush him and use his salty tears as wig gel." Basically, I'm looking for pupillage innit.
2) Think of a corny title: tick
3)cheesy opening: check
4) Add Caveats. ((1)This is definitely not based on fact. Or is it? (2) A lot of the posts will consist of nonsensical ramblings. (3) Please write your complaints on the back of a £50 note, send them to me, and I will endeavour to read them.
5) A little about your day (see next post)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)