Heaven Knows I'm miserable now

I wanted a job...I got 3 jobs...heaven knows I'm miserable now.

Well like most legal bloggers, I have taken a long unexplained break from blogging. It's late at night, I'm tired, but if you can deal with my inarticulate nonsense, I would welcome your advice dear reader, with a crisis. Allow me to explain how my situation came to be...

1) I decided against applying through the dreaded portal...then had a last minute change of heart and pulled an all nighter the night before the deadline. I managed to send off 5 applications before heading off to a surreal day at work. I cannot bear to look at the contents of my application, the thought of my "creative/ outside the box" attempts to answer the standard dull questions makes me nautious. I did not get a good chance to check the grammer and spelling either...oh ohhh spaghettti hoops.

2) I have been working in a really dossy job, which involves sitting in a court room, and doing nothing. The pay is bad and the lack of status and use of any cells in my brain has really affected my confidence. I had finished the BVC on a high last year and full of confidence and charm. It is remarkable how quickly one can ebb to rock bottom. I have been applying for jobs (mostly paralegal jobs through agency's- but without so much as a rejection letter). Further, any non olpas apps have resulted in pure rejection. No female attention either = lonliness. Self confidence sustained massive damage.

3) I had been hoping to get my old job back as a court clerk at a crown court. However, they messed me around, telling me I had the job and then that "they didn't have the budget" and then the old "we have to hire internally". I loved that job because of the status, public speaking, and because of the interaction with barristers and judges. However i knew it was a bit of a step back as I already have that on my cv, and need to make progress. Plus my doss job keeps messing me around, cancelling me at the last minute and taking my flexibility for granted. Things were getting bad...

4) Then one day I decided to take a long run on a sunny day. I came back to a message from a friend, essentially setting me up for an interview for a great legal job that involves conferencing with criminal clients, legal research etc. I happened to have a good showing during the first interview, and managed to pull off a dynamic performance during the advocacy exercise (I took a long run and had a lot of time to reflect on my life earlier that morning- it worked wonders and helped me to overcome my self esteem issues) I am self-employed and have to travel to various prisons for conferences with clients. I started last week- i loved it but the travel was a killer. I aced the conferencing on the BVC and put that all to good use. However I did spend nearly £300.00 on travel, leaving me broke. I am reclaiming my expenses but have no idea on how long it will take. Further, I make £60 per conference (£30 an hour- but its the travel that takes up my whole day), but can't get paid until the conclusion of the case. I got to speak to a barrister, and his face lit up when I told him that I had a potential client for him. It was nice to be spoken to so enthusiastically by a barrister again. This job will undoubtedly progress my cv, especially as it will involve advocacy in adjudication hearings as I progress during the upcoming months. My only gripe is that I took out a 20k loan for the BVC which I will have to start paying back in August. Will I be able to afford the repayments? A lot of uncertainty with this job, i.e. pay, frequency of the work etc.

5) The court clerks came back with a firm offer. they think that I am going to accept. It is only a 6 month contract but pays very well. It will be financial security for the next 6 months and I can pay back my debts. Ooh yeah I have credit cards and overdrafts that are also getting on top of me. Further, my doss job wants to pay me double what I have been getting, for doing an extra 3 hours a day. They say they need me. Arrrgh it would be nice to get that money but an extra 3 hours where I have to sit there like a vacant entity might be the final kick in the balls to my personality and esteem. I don't ind screwing these people over, but i could combine them with my new job and make a wage.

6) What do I do? take the security of the court cleking job? It doesn't progress my cv at all, but it will be the financially safe option and will take the pressure off. However, I can't let this new job go. Barristers are supposed to be go-getters that travel far and wide for little money. It will definitely enhance my cv, and I can always do my doss job a couple of times a week to make a living wage. My doss job currently pays £40 a court day. It will pay £80 a day, I can do 2 days, + 3 days at £60 a day in my new job = £340 a week. I guess that on the weekends I can do some A-Level tutoring in london? I can survive right? I have to tell the court clerks by early next week (they think i am desperate for them haha but I just don't want to screw them over). What do you think guys?

Thanks for reading this unecessarily long message. I would be grateful for your advice. Helllppp meeee :)