Saturday, 25 September 2010

I'm thankful for every breath I take

Well well.

I feel rather upbeat today. I wonder if I have some sort of bipolar disorder, but I only feel well when I tune out of reality and get the chance to reflect and understand myself, as opposed to attempting to merrily go along with the flow and pretending to be normal.

I often question why I am pursuing my disillusionary bar ambitions. Perhaps "pursuing" is a strong word. The thing that I really hate about myself in this regard, is my willingness to show myself as some sort of conformist to the keepers of the gate. I see all pupillage interview panels as consisting of really straight folk, the sort that want to discuss domestic politics and are probably heads of various serious committees. I see these people as very stout protectors of apparent "reality" and do not have any interest in understanding what they are, and what they are doing here. I have at one time tasted true liberation, but the way that I am currently pursuing my life is dragging me in the other direction.

I recently sent off another pupillage application. It really does induce vomit. The person on that form is not me at all. I really should write something a little more whacky, a little more in acoordance with the language in my soul. But I am not brave enough. My contradictory lifestyle has left my character frail and flimsy. I sometimes wonder after having walked into a room and had discussions with people...I sometimes wonder if they question whether they had a discussion with anybody at all. I have been an empty shell for too long.

...Part of the problem has been my unwillingess to deal with my own boredom. I have spent too much of my time watching shit on tv or using the internet. I think that these things really are dangerous to the human mind, and once you become dependant on them to overcome your loneliness, they can have a detrimental effect similar to drug addiction. Society will become more conformist and its children's attention spans will perish. Now that I have began to stop these ways,I already feel well. I am enjoying life again, and I am talking about nature, family, and love.

Perhaps I should quit my 9-5 sharade and go back to university? I would love to study again, I didn't really do it properly the first time. Studying for me was such a tortuous process because I was so disorganised and uninspired. I remember being so excited at the prospect of meeting interesting people, but being dissapointed thereafter at the realisation that I was surrounded by essex "Jack the lad" pretty boys, and vacant, shallow girls that fancied them. I listened in to a conversation about Jeremy Clarkson once, "Jeremy Clarkson talking about guns. He is so blokey...Cars and Guns..blokey blokey bloke" and the conversation drifted into 3 essex boys repeatedly saying "Blokey blokey blokey wahey bloke bloke bloke". Most people there wanted to be on radio, or present quirky tv shows like "MTV" and "T4" or "big brother". Happily, they are all working as either estate agents or telesalesmen, and engaged to fake blondes.

I am sure people will question me if I left everything (nothing) and went bac to university (a different uni- I have no longing for essex chat), but who is happy doing what they think they should do? I would love to have a beautiful wife and kids, and a nice house...but I am sure that many have had that same dream...only to wake up in some dull nightmare. Society encourages family, monogomy...well marriage, because people will mindlessly conform to get by once they are in that situation. Survival and security will overpower any urge o will to rebel or make changes. Society instills this image so deeply in the minds of its subjects... I believe it has been this way since the sixties. What happened to the world after the sixties? Things should be so different now, but it seems that the world has been recovering after the effects of a massive come down, clinging to anything that is certain and secure. The female species is obssessed with white dresses and "perfect weddings", "fashion" and careers. Men would chase careers and power as a method to attract women. As I stare at the destitute face of the "line manager" at my court job, I wonder if she really knows what she is chasing after. Sex? I could go into detail, but my mind is over saturated with media, and my attention span will not allow it.

I hate solicitors who take their jobs too seriously. My prison law job is strange. I enjoy it for no particular reason, but it almost doesn't seem real because it is completely independant. I have awoken to nightmares about it. I always know that there should be a lot that I should be doing, but it all seems to be an exercise in attempting to show that I acted expediently in telling these clients that they have no chance of appealing their convictions or sentences. I have a client who phones me constantly. He is essentially a drug baron, but he is one of those that did it for the lifestyle and now regrets it very much because he has a lengthy prison sentence. He down plays his role and proclaims his innocence, hoping to convince me as some fool that will listen to him. When I probe further into his claims, it is very clear that the evidence against him was very strong, and his explanations are pathetic. I have no moral issues though, my only objection to drugs is their failure to completely destroy the constructs of the society we live in. Any creativity or non-conformist idead that is created by drug indulgence is often short lived, and when reality kicks in, most people cling to it like their pathetic little lives depended upon it.

He really begs when I tell him that his case has no chance, forcing me to reel off mantras like "If you can't do the time...don't do the crime motherfucker". The reason that I do not feel any sympathy for him is that despite his pathetic helpless deperation, he has a very scary sinsiter edge that manifests itself from time to time. During my first visit with him, the first words he said to me "Get yourself a cup of tea lad" stick in my mind. I know that these words were not particularly significant in themselves, but it was like his weak persona slipped for a second, he was suddenly powerful and controlling, and I felt like one of his young associates, about to take instructions as to the details of the next drop off. I will write him a comprehensive letter decopnstructing his instructions, and explaining why he does not have strong grounds, which I will email to the secretary and more importantly, the partner- for him to exercise his supervisory duties which invariably consist of a non-reponse. I always state that the secretary only send the letters or advice out upon the supervisors approval of it, but I strongly suspect that she knows not to bother him...and sends it out straight away. Recently he sent me an email saying "please do not send me these emails anymore...just send them to the secretary". I like his style. He has about 8 secretaries, 7 of which have exactly the same first name, and the 8th's name is a slight variation. She really lacks any sign of IQ, and I wonder if she got the job because she typo'd her own name on the application form.

I will be running a looooong distance race tomorrow. I look forward to it soo much! This is essentially the only challenge that I have undertaken since the BVC. Normally I dread the possibility of failure in such challenges, unti the adrenaline kicks in and I become confident in my abilty and resourcefulness, despite my lack of preparation. I need to build in a lot of challenges before the close of this year. I wonder if everybody else gets this sense of being suicidal when I am not developing. Cutting out quick fixes will force me to confront myself and develop my character. I know I have a bckbone somewhere.

Stephen Hawking's documentary is on tv, I strangely find that roboty voice quite soothing.


Michael said...

Shame you found life as an undergrad such a let-down :-(

How about a studying for a masters part time?

Best of luck for the race tomorrow! :-)

Penn said...

Thanks Michael, a kindness eminated through your three lines that has elevated my spirit :)